Waiting

Currently we are on day 3 of the 2 week waiting (currently referred to as the 2ww in the jargon of infertiles) period after what we have most likely decided to be our third and final attempt of medically enhanced fertility. I know you picked up on the "most likely" in that statement. It goes back and forth from "it will be" to "it will probably be" in my thinking and with each of our conversations. Thinking of it as our "last ditch effort" raises the angst associated with it to another level, but on the reverse side, this being the "last" is the first step on the road to closure which I have been finding ourselves heading towards.

Rationally I know we've already given Ochsner more money than many spend on a car without a single answer or result, and our time, tears, and emotion spent could fill the Mississippi. But acceptance is difficult, especially when you read success stories and watch so many others find just the right cocktail of medication or procedure. But holding onto that, keeping endless appointments, taking injections, having ultrasounds, and having it on the brain all the time is no way to live either. My prayers are for acceptance and strength these days.

Injections in the thigh each night are not fun. Pills that make me queazy are not fun. Undressing for ultrasounds every other day is not fun. Progesterone suppositories are not fun. But this "2ww" is agonizing. My days have been spent googling phrases...post IUI symptoms, pregnancy symptoms, hCG symptoms subside, symptoms 3 days past IUI, symptoms 4 days past IUI, hCG shot and home pregnancy test, IUI and implantation, follistim, poor endometrial lining with IUI. Believe me, the list goes on...I even wonder if I changing "3 days past IUI" to "72 hours 35 minutes past IUI" would turn up more relevant hits with just the answer to my question.

Crazy, right? Obsessive, right? Well, not really. Amazingly, what I have learned from doing this is that I am not crazy and nor am I alone. That there are millions of women out there thinking these same things, asking these same questions, and experiencing the same feeling of aloneness and do I dare say desperation. Not really the adjective that I like to put in the same sentence as my feelings, but that's what it is.

So not obsessively crazy, and it has given me some perspective into the lives of other women and couples faced with infertility, and has validated my feelings. And in the process of punching in these seemingly obscure terms into the search engine, I have found some "answers" to my questions. That tingly feeling I had three days after IUI wasn't implantation as that doesn't happen until day 6 or 10, but maybe that lower back ache and turning tummy mean I am pregnant...or maybe it is just what I had for lunch, but some woman can tell on a home pregnancy test nine days after, some ten days after, some eleven days after.

You get the picture.

No answers.

Just a two week wait.