For the medical records

I had my first mammogram, and I'll spare you any pictures although you've got to see it to believe it.  I heard about mammograms, and could not believe it was all true, even the part about the tech manually giving the clamp a few extra cranks for good measure even after you thought it couldn't be any flatter.

Dr. H ordered a sonogram in addition to the mammogram.  Neither detected any masses.  Will return in one year for a repeat.

Do Nothing Days

A Monday that brought us to the petting zoo and then a Central Park playground we haven't
visited in quite some time.

I have been getting a little teary thinking our "do nothing days" as Freddie has titled them will soon be coming to an end with the beginning of kindergarten.  We all look forward to Mondays and Fridays, days with Mama and the boys to do whatever we please.  Often Mondays are slated as pajama days after a busy weekend where we rest and rediscover old toys and books, but the only guideline for those days is we don't make many (any if possible) hard plans and we just enjoy each other and see what we come up with.  Now, the three of us all enjoy school days, but it is Mondays and Fridays that I am so thankful for, the time with my boys.

A Date

All dolled up...

It had been a while since Freddie and I had been on our last date.  Some one on one time was much needed.  

We spent time on the island checking out some murals and then off to lunch.  Freddie picked Subway.  

Apparently we need to eat out more often and develop his culinary tastes.  We pass Subway almost every day but never dine there, so there must have been a certain mystique calling Freddie.

He had pizza, chocolate milk, and a cookie.  What's not to like about Subway, right?

Down to the F train

Then we were off to the Lincoln Center to hear the New York Philharmonic perform Beethoven's 9th Symphony, Ode to Joy.

Exploring Avery Fischer Hall

When the musicians began, Freddie got a big smile and turned to me and said, "This music is so pretty."

He enjoyed watching for the different instruments to play, especially the drums and the triangle.  He wanted a better view of the French horn.

Our seats were ok, especially for $12.  We subscribed to the children's concert series so our seats have been assigned based on the price point I selected.  Next time I may opt for a bit of a better view.  

He did well for the first 40 minutes.  The final 20 minutes were a bit tough, but thankfully the chorus signing in the finale engaged him.

Afterwards we explored a bit around Columbus Circle and found a spot to enjoy a waffle.  Freddie suggested we keep the waffle a secret because Dada would be jealous.

Throwdown Waffle with chocolate sauce...yum!

Having just him meant we got to have conversations about things which interested him without distraction.  He seems to have some heavy topics on his mind, specifically death and wondering about the boy who is lost (flyers are plastered everywhere and I am possibly regretting answering Freddie's questions honestly about the flyers).  Makes me realize how important it is to have this time to connect with him.

A great afternoon with my guy.  He held my hand a lot and gave me lots of kisses.  A perfect date.

He loves street musicians

We have at least one date a month between now and February.  Looking forward to getting more time together.

Mama's day off... (Funny, right?)

Now that the boys are in school together two days I week I have quickly jumped on board with all the moms that stay at home all day.  I've joined the ranks of ladies who lunch, and have made pedicure appointments, stocked up on bonbons, and plan on making long relaxing trips to Target in my yoga clothes.

Sadly none of that can happen until the laundry is done, toilets are sparkling, tubs are clean, clothes are folded, linens are changed, floors are mopped, meals are prepared, and 12 hours of graduate coursework completed.  So yeah, those bonbons aren't going disappearing very quickly.

The majority of my time is going to be devoted to a graduate class I am taking to help ease me back into the professional world.  I also hope to manage to workout during daylight hours in the sunshine and fresh air rather than waking at 4.45am and turning on the treadmill.  Best part of the deal...I am going to have a weekly lunch date with my husband! 

Mama Needs a New Pair of Shoes

Happy birthday, Jessica

I wore high heels for the first time in almost 5 years.  Yep, FIVE years.  

The last time I can remember wearing heels was when I was pregnant with Freddie.  Opportunities to wear heels were slim after Freddie's birth, and NOLA is such a casual city I could always get away with just wearing a pair of snazzy sandals.  Opportunities to wear heels since we've moved have been nonexistent.  Hey, what can I say, we don't get out much, especially after dark.

I was determined to wear a pair of heels on a night out with Jessica.  The few pairs I have held on to were looking tired so we shopped until I found the ones:  black Via Spiga patent leather peep toe 4 inch heels with an ankle strap.  Divine!

Well, divine for about the first 5 minutes they were on.  It was more painful than I remembered, and not quite as exhilarating as I had hoped, but I really liked the the feeling of stepping out into the world as someone other than Mama in those 4 inch heels.  

There will be more of me reentering the world.  I'm not sure it will be in 4 inch heels though.  

Mama Rides

Watch out!  Coming through!

The passenger in the rear kept putting on his breaks and telling me to slow down.  The passenger in the front kept shouting for the turbo button.

It's a long load that requires lots of pedaling to keep moving.  We all got used to it within a few minutes, with the exceptions of my thighs which were screaming the entire time.

Fun times ahead with this rig.

Keeping it Real: 4pm on Thursday

A date

Freddie and I had a date over the weekend. We headed to Carnegie Hall's Family Concert showcasing Mambo music. Freddie was definitely interested when I mentioned there would be dancers. "When are the dancers coming out, Mama?"

 

We arrived early for the educational presentation where some musicians spoke about their instruments.  Freddie like hearing the baritone saxophone.  

He seemed rather impressed with the percussion, especially when the timbales player pulled out glow in the dark drum sticks.  He pretended to play the trumpet for most of the performance, but when I asked if he would like to play the trumpet he asked for a piano.  Of course, as soon as we move to a house.  I say that once a day it seems.

After the concert we strolled through the city, looking at this and that....sculptures, window displays, cracks in the sidewalks.  The city is easy with only one child!  He chose McDonald's for lunch, even at my listing nearly 10 other selections.  It has been quite a while since he's had "Old McDonald's" chicken nuggets. 

I loved my time to focus on just Freddie.  He seemed to like it too.  He's better at being just with me, not wondering what Hans and Dada are doing without him.  In addition to being amazed at how easy having one child is, I was amazed at how mature my baby has become.  I lose sight of how much he is changing in the chaos of our days. 

An added bonus of the date:  Freddie's been requesting Tito Puente when we turn on the music!  And we've found Puerto Rico, Honduras, and Cuba on his world map.  Arriba!

In case you are wondering about Carnegie Hall's family concerts:

• They are awesome.  I highly recommend them.  It is a perfect introduction to music and all things involved with watching a concert performance for young children of all ages.  They are truly family friendly events.  Freddie is definitely on the younger end of the range in ages, but you certainly don't have to worry about your child causing a scene, talking too loudly, or bothering anyone. 
• Reasonably priced with tickets as low as $9.
• I love being in Carnegie Hall.  Nothing like the grandness of an old theater.
• You can select your seats from an interactive seating chart.  I appreciate being able to do this so I can get seats on the front row.  The balcony works for us, and Freddie wasn't quite as scared of the edge this time around.  Not sure if that is a plus or minus.

Sigh

Mama:  Hey you are wearing my glasses.

Freddie:  Noooooo, these aren't yours.  These are GAMMIE'S!

I love being a Mama

Bryant Park's Citi Pond

Bryant Park's Le Carrousel

Benign

My mole was noncancerous.  Turns out it was a compound nevus, which often mimics malignant melanoma.  I suppose if it's hard for an expert to distinguish, who am I to even attempt to decide which moles are suspicious. 

Another body check in the spring. 

Storytime

In bed waiting for Mama to come.

The three of us spend all of our time together but there's not much the three of us can all *do* together.  But reading stories is something we all enjoy, especially the Mama. 

 Both boys are still and quiet.  Both boys giggle.  And there's usually snuggling involved, too!

The Mama

• Dr. H has lifted all physical restrictions, as in there is no excuse for not losing these last 10 lbs. He was pleased with his work, noting that the scar would fade over a few months.  When he asked if I was happy with it I told him I haven't seen it because of the fat roll sitting on top. 
• My uterus is all back to normal, and the minimal bleeding I am having should resolve itself within the next week. 
• I am pretty bummed about not losing any more weight since giving birth.  
• The boys and I go out each morning for a walk.  Granted it's only 3.5-4.0 miles and a leisurely pace at that, but it's something.  And I am pushing that beast of a stroller.  Still not losing any weight.  I'd like to increase my activity level but right now time doesn't permit.  I've already pushed both boys to their stroller sitting limits with the hour long walk in the morning, and I am not jogging behind that thing.  
• Time doesn't permit a lot right now.  My legs need shaving, my eyebrows need plucking, and I'd like to do something other than sit with one baby on my boob while the other does flips off my lap for attention.
• When Freddie was 6 weeks old I thought about how that is the time most mothers return to work.  I couldn't fathom going back to work and thought about how probably all the ills of American society are rooted in the disregard for motherhood and lack of support for new families.  Well, darlin, what I wouldn't give to get dressed and walk out of this house at 7am with a tall coffee in my hand and return home to 10 hours later to two children and a husband happy to see me.  This is some hard work.  I cannot fathom anything more demanding. 
• I don't really want to leave the boys full time.  Ok, sometimes I do, but my desire to figure something out for myself has never been stronger. 
• I'm going to Dr. H in November to discuss having my tubes tied.  How's that for doing something for myself?

Sweet Dreams

We read books in Mama and Dada's bed.  He pushed up my shirt and put his head on my tummy so "brover listen".  We each got "cozy" and said night night.  With our heads on the pillow he put one hand on each of my cheeks and softly tried to continue the conversation...Seals splash eat it fish.  Freddy Rebekah bucket rocks river friends.  Puppy sniffs cute. Toucan beak big ark ark ark.  With such heavy lids, his blinks grew longer and his voice softer.  It had been much too long since I have watched him fall asleep.

Appreciated

Every single night when I bring supper to the table Freddie immediately says (without prompting), "Thank you, Mama.  Delicious dindin, Mama.  Thank you, Mama," in his sweet, tiny voice.  And if this wasn't enough to make my heart explode, I know he learned this from the example his Daddy has set.  Charlie follows Freddie's lead these days and thanks me for my hard work and taking care of both of them.  Perfect end to a long day, and perfect beginning to our evening together.

Lucky

• We stayed up much, much too late last night, "chatting like school girls" as Charlie put it, talking trash over Scrabble, reminiscing, and planning our future.  Although I was exhausted this morning I woke up feeling content.  
• Freddie woke up with dry undies and there was a clean green shirt in his dresser ready to wear today without any pre-planning.
• Freddie and I wore sunglasses instead of down parkas.  Sunshine and 60s today!
• We browsed in FAO Schwartz and used their super clean potty.

• A police officer opened the barricades to get us in to a spot with the stroller for a little parade viewing along Fifth Avenue.
• We saw the NYC St. Patrick's Day Parade.  "You've got to be kidding.  This is a parade?" came to mind more than once, and I was daydreaming of green beer and jello shots in the Irish Channel (being consumed by Charlie of course), but ya can't have it all, right?

• Freddie shimmied up my tummy and perched on my shoulder and smiled the entire time we watched the parade.
• We danced to the marching bands.  Granted it would have been more fun if the entire crowd was as moved by the music as we were, but really that didn't spoil it for us.

• Freddie added "bagpipe" to his vocabulary, exclaiming "more bagpiepes" when he saw some kitled men carrying their instruments as we walked to the tram.

• Freddie screamed "Kids, wait for me!" to some children running down the street in their school uniforms.
• I spent under $25 for 5 items at the market -- 2 bottles stir fry sauce, broccoli, kaiser rolls, and a grapefruit "soda" for me.  And I didn't even curse under my breath when I passed the package of $9 Oscar Myer bacon, and no, it's not thick cut or even apple wood smoked, as if that would change my feelings about spending NINE DOLLARS on OSCAR MYER BACON!
• Before nap Freddie pushed up my shirt and put his sip cup up to my belly with a "Freddie share.  I love you, Baby."
• Despite being tired from staying up too late, my back felt better than it has in a long time so I got on the treadmill for 1.5 hours during naptime.
• Naptime continued through my shower and I even got in a few minutes of sitting by myself with the windows open, perusing catalogs, eating the rest of Freddie's bagel, and drinking my soda. 

• There are enough enchiladas in the fridge to have leftovers again!  Yes!  Love leftovers.

Luck of the Irish!

Slainte!

On Happiness

I've avoided writing much about ME lately because, contrary to popular belief, I don't like to whine.  (wink) I think I also have a hard time talking about myself.  And, contrary to another popular belief, my life is not all rainbows either.  Of course not, right,  but who would have thought with all the damn cupcake eating a seal watching that goes on.  I've had my share of struggles in the past but few have been privy to the down and dirty details involved. I've shared some challenges here, but for the most part have a hard time working things out here or in many places beyond my head.  Maybe I need to do better with that for me and for you.  

With that being said, I will confirm the past several years of my life have been overwhelmingly happy, struggles included.  And the year prior to moving may have been the happiest on record.  I was in tune with my happiness, reflected on it often, and wanted to nail down some formula to keep it going because I knew change was really the only constant but there had to be something to carry into this next phase.

All that reflecting and here I am.  Unhappy.  And faced with really testing a core belief:  Happiness is a choice.


I think to be happy you must do what makes you happy, without any excuses.  Let go of obligations, pressures, and conforming and really be deliberate in your choices.  Make choices that bring happiness.  Most of us have choices which direct our life, in a big picture sense as well as daily.  Sometimes my choices are obvious and so obvious they didn't even feel like choices.  And then there were choices that weren't so blatantly obvious and were ignored for a while because following through with that choice was difficult.  But making deliberate choices about how to spend my time (both personally and professionally), who to spend time with, how to spend my money eventually brought me happiness.

In those times when there just aren't any choices, I feel happiness comes from perspective.  I've been in positions where I've not had any choice and learning I had everything I needed to be happy except the right perspective was a difficult lesson.

So I've got all these ideals about happiness, and I'm unhappy.

Yes I eat cupcakes, walk in Central Park, have a devoted, patient, kind, loving, tender, understanding husband, a healthy family...and on and on and on...and for that I am grateful.

But...

• I've moved to one of the most expensive cities in America and we're living on one salary, a post doc salary at that, and we're clipping through our savings faster than I thought possible.  Don't ask me what I thought. 
• I have no interests, professionally or personally, that are being developed or nourished.
• My day is structured based solely on the needs of other people.
• I go days without breathing fresh air.

I'll leave it at that for now because this can easily roll into my belly sticks out the bottom of all my shirts, New Yorkers don't smile, seafood is unreasonably expensive here....you know, escalate into a full blown pity party, if it hasn't already.

To be clear, moving, and moving to NYC, was definitely a choice.  One made with the thinking it would eventually lead to more choices for our family, and thereby make being happy easier.  I also want to be clear that I want to push myself in this new situation. I really don't want to wallow and complain.  There's got to be a lesson to learn, right?  God help me if I don't at least walk away from this experience with a lesson learned.

I'll get back to our regularly scheduled program filled with Lovin'.  Those moments are there and are very real.  I'm finding them.

But I'm looking for choices and searching for perspective.  They're there as well.  I don't doubt that.

Mama and her boy

My boy.  My baby boy.  My BFF.  I've been thinking quite a bit about how life will change for him this summer and beyond. 

My grandmother used to comment that bringing a new baby home for an older sibling would be a lot like your husband bringing home another woman.  I've been thinking about that a lot and the closeness of my relationship with Freddie.  I wonder what our time together will look like.  How will I make both boys feel special and loved.  How do I avoid competition and comparison.  What if the little brother is bigger than the big brother. 

I don't doubt my capacity to love both or Freddie's capacity to love his brother.  But parenting two boys?  I suppose I'll do my best, try to make informed parenting decisions, and carry on, but really, I'm feeling a bit nervous.

Sick Mama

Heading out for a bike ride

• Adventures with Dada
• Couch time
• Sleeping late
• Charlie in the kitchen
• Pajama days
• Being tucked in
• Cartoons and cuddling
• Naps
• Sprites and Shirley Temples
• Marathon viewing from the couch
• Tylenol PM
• Daddy diaper duty
• Hot chocolate delivered
• Heaters cranked up and no one complained
• Wonton soup

Sleeping Beauty

Typical sleeping position with Tigey

I wonder if I will ever not creep into his room at nap and nighttime...for just one look.