39

Moley

Being a parent means doing lots of stuff you really don't want to do.  Beyond sitting at birthday parties with far too many kids and no booze, and spending money on cute shoes for the unappreciative children rather than yourself, there's lots of being responsible.  Updating wills.  Getting life insurance. And making sure you're in tip top shape until the kids can pay all of their own bills, and that damn well better be before they're 30.

I (foolishly) delay trips to the dermatologist mostly because I don't want to endure a brow beating about my sun worshipping over the last 20 years.  I'm suffering with wrinkles and ages spots, isn't that enough?  But today I sucked it up, mostly because I was scared silly at the sight of a multi-shaded mole on my neck.  It broke one of the A(asymmetrical), B (Border poorly defined), C (color not the same throughout), D (diameter greater than 6mm) indicators I check for at home.  Ugh.  Cannot go leaving Charlie as a single parent, now can I.

Dr. V, the newest dermatologist, took a quick look and said, Benign.  Whew.  I went ahead and submitted to the full body check.  There's a mole on my belly, which hasn't seen the sun for years mind you, that I had questions about a few years back.  It was preblog or digital calender so no documentation of how long ago that was.  Noticing it with it's unusual border pushed me to the dermatologist office.  After a long lecture about the sun she did a biopsy on another mole and thought the belly mole was just something to watch.  So I've been watching.  No change.  Today it came off and was sent to the lab.  And Dr. V said he's concerned.

He also photographed the mole on my leg for documentation purposes.  He's watching this one.  I told him I've had it for nearly all my life, and I'm actually a little attached to it.  For real.  It can stay for now.  Call in a week for results and be sure to schedule another full body once over every 6 months.  Your insurance pays for it after all.  

On Happiness

I've avoided writing much about ME lately because, contrary to popular belief, I don't like to whine.  (wink) I think I also have a hard time talking about myself.  And, contrary to another popular belief, my life is not all rainbows either.  Of course not, right,  but who would have thought with all the damn cupcake eating a seal watching that goes on.  I've had my share of struggles in the past but few have been privy to the down and dirty details involved. I've shared some challenges here, but for the most part have a hard time working things out here or in many places beyond my head.  Maybe I need to do better with that for me and for you.  

With that being said, I will confirm the past several years of my life have been overwhelmingly happy, struggles included.  And the year prior to moving may have been the happiest on record.  I was in tune with my happiness, reflected on it often, and wanted to nail down some formula to keep it going because I knew change was really the only constant but there had to be something to carry into this next phase.

All that reflecting and here I am.  Unhappy.  And faced with really testing a core belief:  Happiness is a choice.


I think to be happy you must do what makes you happy, without any excuses.  Let go of obligations, pressures, and conforming and really be deliberate in your choices.  Make choices that bring happiness.  Most of us have choices which direct our life, in a big picture sense as well as daily.  Sometimes my choices are obvious and so obvious they didn't even feel like choices.  And then there were choices that weren't so blatantly obvious and were ignored for a while because following through with that choice was difficult.  But making deliberate choices about how to spend my time (both personally and professionally), who to spend time with, how to spend my money eventually brought me happiness.

In those times when there just aren't any choices, I feel happiness comes from perspective.  I've been in positions where I've not had any choice and learning I had everything I needed to be happy except the right perspective was a difficult lesson.

So I've got all these ideals about happiness, and I'm unhappy.

Yes I eat cupcakes, walk in Central Park, have a devoted, patient, kind, loving, tender, understanding husband, a healthy family...and on and on and on...and for that I am grateful.

But...

• I've moved to one of the most expensive cities in America and we're living on one salary, a post doc salary at that, and we're clipping through our savings faster than I thought possible.  Don't ask me what I thought. 
• I have no interests, professionally or personally, that are being developed or nourished.
• My day is structured based solely on the needs of other people.
• I go days without breathing fresh air.

I'll leave it at that for now because this can easily roll into my belly sticks out the bottom of all my shirts, New Yorkers don't smile, seafood is unreasonably expensive here....you know, escalate into a full blown pity party, if it hasn't already.

To be clear, moving, and moving to NYC, was definitely a choice.  One made with the thinking it would eventually lead to more choices for our family, and thereby make being happy easier.  I also want to be clear that I want to push myself in this new situation. I really don't want to wallow and complain.  There's got to be a lesson to learn, right?  God help me if I don't at least walk away from this experience with a lesson learned.

I'll get back to our regularly scheduled program filled with Lovin'.  Those moments are there and are very real.  I'm finding them.

But I'm looking for choices and searching for perspective.  They're there as well.  I don't doubt that.

Today was a good day

• I was awake before Freddie. He slept from 7.00pm until 6.45 am.
• There was no whining on our 6 mile walk. Why hadn't I thought of bringing books before today?
• I made it to the grocery store without the GPS. It only took 4 trips for me to remember this 1.5 mile route.
• I shared a bagel with Freddie at Einstein's.
• Freddie was a good eater. He probably got his 1000 calories for the day eating 1/2 walnut strudel, pita and hummus, and applesauce.
• I managed to stay under my calorie limit for the day and i even had a piece of ice cream cake. Yahoo!
• I didn't ram into anyone in the market with the mega-double wide car cart.
• We spent 15 minutes looking at the lobster at the supermarket as though it were an aquarium. There was banging on the glass, pointing, squealing, and getting strangers to do the same.
• I got to watch the entire Oprah show without Freddie finding the remote and turning the volume all the way up.
• We danced in the living room to the Black Eyed Peas on Oprah.
• I got 5 new pairs of granny panties.
• I found it endearing rather than exasperating that Freddie kept running off with my new granny panties on his head while I was trying to fold laundry.
• Every time I told Freddie it was time to change his diaper he walked to the room and got on the pad. There was not one wrestling match involved in diaper changes today. I don't think there was even any crying or whining.
• After one month, lots of complaints filed and managers spoken to, one piece of forwarded mail arrived today.
  

Being Thirty Six

Thirty six years old. Seems like such a long time, and yet it feels like only the beginning.

Making myself happy

Charlie's message to me the first night he was gone was "do things that make you happy."

So today I ate the entire watermelon. And yes, I smiled with every bite and am pretty darn content. I wonder if I'll feel differently when I am up all night having to pee.

Shrug.

Anyway, I've been trying to come up with some things that make me happy, that are not NOLA dependent.

• Sitting in the sunshine
• Reading in bed
• Long walks
• Baking
• Painted toenails
• Sliding with the Buggers
• Microwaved popcorn and bad TV
• Sending mail
• Blog reading (get posting folks or leave me some new links)
• Dance party with the Bug (and the Jackson 5)

Any suggestions?

Sorry, Charlie

I know, I know...you thought that'd be the last you saw of the oompy suit, at 34+ weeks of pregnancy.

Sorry, love. It's warm and cozy and I'm regretting not having purchased in blue when I saw it at Target this year.

I don't know if I've said this lately

Charlie and I comment to each other daily how unbelievably lucky we feel to have Bug. It is a bit overwhelming at times, and of course I get all teary and we giggle and Charlie gives me a big hug. We really cannot believe he is finally here.

I am very content. Of course I like to whine about my expanded waistline and I am a little unsure how the next year is going to play out without my working, but all is right in our world. It feels good to be Erin.

Freddie's Mama

• I am slowly adjusting into my new role, although I am still trying to figure out how to add gardener, baker, and organized super woman along with my new role.

• I've seen a 135 on the scale but the most consistent number is 137. I don't weight 3-5 times a day like I used to (simply no time!) but I do get off and on a few times at my daily weigh in. Anyway, that puts me within 5 pounds of my prepregnancy weight, yet not a stitch of prepregnancy clothing is anywhere near fitting, particularly the bottoms. What's with that?

• My garden is not blooming quite right. I haven't been out there in some time and I am missing the digging and trimming and sun quite a bit. Hoping this "it gets easier" means some time in the garden for Bug and me.
  

• Looking for a perfect pair of simple earrings to wear all the time. Can't seem to remember to put them on before I leave the house, along with making sure both eyes have mascara.

• My days seem empty and full all at the same time. 6:00 rolls around and Charlie is walking in the door and I think, "That time already? I haven't done anything but I've been busy all day."

• This update being bullets seems to work out just like the rest of my life right now....everything seems to happen in bursts. Showers occur in minutes and lunch is chew, chew, swallow, repeat. Sometimes the repeat part happens 5 minutes, 10 minutes, or even an hour after the start. I'm working towards some fluidity and a routine.
  

Breastfeeding is not for sissies

Yes, the lanolin cream sits on the breakfast table with the salt and pepper.

Some things people like to tell you about the breastfeeding experience:

• It is *so* relaxing.
• It is a time to bond with my baby.
• Breastfeeding is so empowering. You are able to nourish your baby.
• I've been able to catch up on reading while breastfeeding.
• It is a quite time to enjoy away from the rest of the world.

Well, breastfeeding is NOT those things in the first 12 days of life with a newborn!

Breastfeeding has been:

• Scabs, tears, fissures
• Goopy lanolin
• Having to put a pillow between baby and mama's hand to prevent potential squeezing of child's head to deal with pain
• Whimpers from mama
• A full time job: 10-12 feedings a day, 30-40 minutes per feeding...this makes for a good 8 hour day
• Painful showers

I'm not trying to discourage, and I'm sticking with it, but a bit of the cold, hard, truth on this topic is much needed.

I need them!

2 years ago Charlie gave me some swank black leather gloves for Christmas. I lost them the first time I wore them.

1 year ago I bought some cheap leather gloves. I also got a nice pair for Christmas from JD. Today, I have no recollection of losing either pair, but I cannot find them. They're lost.

Charlie says I'm not responsible enough for a another pair of leather gloves. Sigh.

But an email from Mark describes the current weather in NYC as "unforgiving for November."

He probably won't even notice the 4th pair I'll wear all week. Or maybe I'll end up with a 5th pair before leaving the city.

Popcorn, pregnancy, and boots don't mix

I love me some cute boots! Especially at perfect prices. My red pair purchased last year earned me an eyebrow raise from Charlie when he looked at the tags, but then the man was thanking me for saving him money when he saw how much the full price was when we shopped in Vail. This year not a peep when I purchased my newest pair of boots...Donald Pliner boots for 65% off retail! Saving him money with each and every purchase.


I love these boots and loved them from the moment I zipped them up in the store. Perfect to go with the one dress that fits for our dinner date, I thought.

And then the night before dinner I gorged on some popcorn at the Hornets' game. Some salty, salty popcorn.

I think you know where this story is headed.... My boots wouldn't zip up!!! Bloated! Retaining water! Salt was coming in between me and my boots. Determined not to have a "I have nothing to wear" meltdown intensified time 100 by hormones I pinched my calves in those zippers and did my best to ignore the bit of bloat hanging over the top.

And all is well. I still have a bit of a boot impression this morning, but I can live with that. I love those boots. No more popcorn for me. I have big plans for those boots next week.

Goals: Today through November 30th

• Read more
• Paint bedroom
• Plant herbs
• Plant fall seeds
• Finish holiday shopping
• Address holiday cards
• Wrap holiday packages
• Sleep in on Saturdays and Sundays
  
• Lie on the couch for 45 minutes each and every afternoon
• Watch a childbirth video in full without my hands over my eyes or ears
• Eat more protein
• Prep for the next 5 seminars
• Expand fall maternity wardrobe beyond one pair of jeans and one sweater
• Have at least one movie date
• Find birth book or register for a birth class
• Eat lunch at Middendorf's
  

For Rude Neighbors

Since my last sign helped people get the message, I decided to work on another.


There are one or two culprits around the neighborhood, and I'm hoping this cheery sign guilts them into taking the poop with them. Trying to figure out how to attach a canister with bags to it to make it that much easier to be considerate.

There's a neighbor around the corner with a sign claiming "all dog poo DNA tested" so Charlie wanted the sign to say "Please leave your address so my dog can poop in your yard." That may be next if this doesn't work.

The Great Pumpkin

C'mon, I know that's what you're thinking.

Working

Back to school.

I have been filling in as a classroom teacher while the principal works to fill the vacancy. Being in that room feels very natural and makes me miss classroom teaching. It is exciting and got me thinking of ideas for lessons, projects, and team/community building. And that excitement is what reminded me I cannot be a classroom teacher right now. Teaching in a classroom consumes me, in order to do the job I want to do. So I need to let that go, and be thankful I have a teaching job that allows me to work with students, and still do this baby growing job I have.

Part time work is gearing up, and I am feeling much better about it, mostly because I have an amazing boss who is very supportive. She proposed restructuring my position to alleviate some stress and assured me she can handle any decision I need to make for my family. Whew.

Things are busy, which I am thankful for. I need distraction from the doctor appointment jitters.

Today we'll have a picnic

I have slept all day.

I have a pounding headache.

I can't stop coughing.

I'm sick.

I think we're having Chinese food for supper. That cures all.

Card Carrying Member

I joined Weight Watchers this morning.

I have been talking about losing 10 lbs for 2 years now, so hopefully shelling out $65, tracking my eating and activity in their nifty little charts, and comparing notes with my card carrying friend (yes, Jessica, you'll be hearing from me!) will motivate me.

I'm tracking my progress here, so if none of the above works I can possibly shame myself into sticking with this.

Escape

Taken in traffic on the way to the airport

It's nice to be with friends for a while to take your mind off of things. Even when my mind was "on things" it was nice to have someone to share those things with. And as always, the conversation picked up right where we left off as though it were yesterday.

Highlights include:

• A mani-pedi where the poor manicurist could barely get a break in the conversation long enough to comment on our long overdue visit
  
• Facials in a fancy shamncy spa
• Dinners with wine, Oprah with wine, beers with lunch
• Crawfish boils and sausage stained shirts (yes, crawfish in Atlanta!)
• Long walks and talks
• Sleeping in and sharing a pot of coffee until noon in the kitchen
• Trying on clothes and getting honest opinions
  
• Take out and Chinese donuts (who knew there was such a thing)

I miss having Jessica in the same city, but for now we'll have to schedule visits a few times a year. The distance or the time apart doesn't seem to make any difference on our friendship.

Done Deal

Harding Street is no longer mine. I handed over my keys to the new owner this morning. I managed to not cry on the closing documents, but the tears have been off and on all day.

The new owner has big plans for my her little house. And she seems like just the person to do it right.