Appreciated

Every single night when I bring supper to the table Freddie immediately says (without prompting), "Thank you, Mama.  Delicious dindin, Mama.  Thank you, Mama," in his sweet, tiny voice.  And if this wasn't enough to make my heart explode, I know he learned this from the example his Daddy has set.  Charlie follows Freddie's lead these days and thanks me for my hard work and taking care of both of them.  Perfect end to a long day, and perfect beginning to our evening together.

On Happiness

I've avoided writing much about ME lately because, contrary to popular belief, I don't like to whine.  (wink) I think I also have a hard time talking about myself.  And, contrary to another popular belief, my life is not all rainbows either.  Of course not, right,  but who would have thought with all the damn cupcake eating a seal watching that goes on.  I've had my share of struggles in the past but few have been privy to the down and dirty details involved. I've shared some challenges here, but for the most part have a hard time working things out here or in many places beyond my head.  Maybe I need to do better with that for me and for you.  

With that being said, I will confirm the past several years of my life have been overwhelmingly happy, struggles included.  And the year prior to moving may have been the happiest on record.  I was in tune with my happiness, reflected on it often, and wanted to nail down some formula to keep it going because I knew change was really the only constant but there had to be something to carry into this next phase.

All that reflecting and here I am.  Unhappy.  And faced with really testing a core belief:  Happiness is a choice.


I think to be happy you must do what makes you happy, without any excuses.  Let go of obligations, pressures, and conforming and really be deliberate in your choices.  Make choices that bring happiness.  Most of us have choices which direct our life, in a big picture sense as well as daily.  Sometimes my choices are obvious and so obvious they didn't even feel like choices.  And then there were choices that weren't so blatantly obvious and were ignored for a while because following through with that choice was difficult.  But making deliberate choices about how to spend my time (both personally and professionally), who to spend time with, how to spend my money eventually brought me happiness.

In those times when there just aren't any choices, I feel happiness comes from perspective.  I've been in positions where I've not had any choice and learning I had everything I needed to be happy except the right perspective was a difficult lesson.

So I've got all these ideals about happiness, and I'm unhappy.

Yes I eat cupcakes, walk in Central Park, have a devoted, patient, kind, loving, tender, understanding husband, a healthy family...and on and on and on...and for that I am grateful.

But...

• I've moved to one of the most expensive cities in America and we're living on one salary, a post doc salary at that, and we're clipping through our savings faster than I thought possible.  Don't ask me what I thought. 
• I have no interests, professionally or personally, that are being developed or nourished.
• My day is structured based solely on the needs of other people.
• I go days without breathing fresh air.

I'll leave it at that for now because this can easily roll into my belly sticks out the bottom of all my shirts, New Yorkers don't smile, seafood is unreasonably expensive here....you know, escalate into a full blown pity party, if it hasn't already.

To be clear, moving, and moving to NYC, was definitely a choice.  One made with the thinking it would eventually lead to more choices for our family, and thereby make being happy easier.  I also want to be clear that I want to push myself in this new situation. I really don't want to wallow and complain.  There's got to be a lesson to learn, right?  God help me if I don't at least walk away from this experience with a lesson learned.

I'll get back to our regularly scheduled program filled with Lovin'.  Those moments are there and are very real.  I'm finding them.

But I'm looking for choices and searching for perspective.  They're there as well.  I don't doubt that.

Lesson

Due to some sort of human error in attempt to be organized, all of my photos prior to October 2008 have been wiped out.

I am now trying to sort through files here and there to recover a handful of photos lying around in folders.

Most importantly I will be setting aside some time this weekend to upload all photos to an online database to prevent this from happening again.

Yes, I am crying and probably won't be able to sleep tonight.

Saturday's Life Lesson

Charlie is not mature (pronounce it mə-ˈtur) enough to be within 10 yards of a woman whose underpants and tight track pants render four butt cheeks rather than two.


I suppose since I didn't learn this lesson at the park yesterday when he could say nothing other than "Oh my god. Oh my god." until we passed her at the park, she had to reenter our lives this morning in the parking lot of the supermarket, wearing the same pants, and presumably the same or similar underpants.

He was literally unresponsive and frozen in this position until she closed her car door. Next time I'll go for the photo of the butt, now that I know what Charlie's reaction will be.

Friday's Life Lesson

When having that leftover hamburger for breakfast, the one you talked about for the entire 5.4 miles at the park, remove it from the plastic bag before placing it on the bun. But, if indeed you forget, no real harm in removing it after you've taken the first bite.

Our place

See how small Charlie is, fishing in Elizabeth Lake? Sitting and watching made me vividly aware of how insignificant man really is in this world. We are just a very small piece of the earth, yet the dynamic between all facets of the earth seems to be effected by us more and more.