A few more thoughts on work

• My feelings about work began before I had Freddie, but his entering our lives has certainly brought a lot of clarity to the situation. Or clarity about what my life priorities are anyway.
• I still will work hard. I have no expectation that I should be allowed to do less because I am a parent or that someone else without children should be expected to pick up my slack. That's just not acceptable.
  
• This new found "clarity" upon Freddie's arrival presents other complications. We want to be role models of good work ethic. We also want it to be clear that family is our priority. How do we find the appropriate balance?
• This isn't only something I struggle with. Charlie feels a pressure (and desire) to "succeed" but at what cost?
• I put pressure on myself. I have high expectations of myself and others. I can't say "no." No doubt about it. But there is absolutely the unspoken expectation of doing more than the official job description in schools and many, many other jobs.
  

Mother ISO Employment

I must begin by saying that I *love* teaching. The time I spend with students has been some of my most fulfilling moments.

Teaching, however, is a a whole lot more than the 6 hours spent in front of the classroom. The amount of work invovled to make those 6 hours productive, engaging, and enjoyable for my students and me is considerable. It goes well beyond the one hour of "planning" time teachers are given to prep, especially since that one hour is often spent contacting parents, grading papers, fighting with the copy machine, counting field trip money, organizing supplies, meeting with support personnel, writing grants, fixing the computer, settling arguments. It's a lot. A whole lot.

There was a time in my life that I found a sense of accomplishment from doing so much. I worked and worked and worked. I was at school before 7am and tutored well into the evening and even then there was still work to be done at home. I recruited friends to help, weekends were filled with work related events, and the remaining time was used to sleep. I liked being busy and I enjoyed the challenge of getting everything done perfectly. Somewhere things changed. I am not sure if it was marrying or Katrina but it happened around that time. I decided that I wanted to feel comfortable doing things for myself without feeling as though that time was unproductive. I wanted hobbies and interests and relationships outside of working and teaching. I still wanted to teach, but I didn't feel able to hand over 60+ hours of my week any longer.

And then comes Freddie.

The time that the three of us are all in the house already feels very limited. I am very possessive and do not want anything to interfere with that time. I don't commit to much of anything during those times because I want my my priorities to be reflected in my choices.

We've been spoiled this year with my being home and Charlie's work being more flexible than most. This morning as Freddie walked behind Charlie waving and kissing I was filled with an enormous amount of gratitude that he was able to run back into the room three times to give "just one more" hug and kiss. I don't want the mornings to be a whirlwind where we are tag team parenting in an effort to be efficient and timely. (I must add that I HATE that I feel that this is time together each day is us being spoiled or a "luxury"!)

But I need to work. I want to work. Really I do. I enjoy it. Being out of practice and losing my skills is a little frightening as well. And I want the income so we are able to afford some experiences beyond our home.

So now I must market myself. Hmmmmm.

Fifteen years ago even with little to no experience I used to feel very confident saying I could do (or teach) anything. I would say it and I meant it. I'm smart. I'm dedicated. I am willing to do what it takes to get the job done.

And now with 14 years of successful teaching experience, beacoup tranings and certifcations under my belt, and a masters' degree on top of that I somehow feel unable to sell myself to employers.

I want to leave when the "day" is over. I am not taking work home. I'm not interested in tutoring on Saturdays. I don't want to coordinate the social studies fair. I don't want to take a course to learn about the latest and greatest technology over spring break. Not now.

I'll work my tail off the entire time I am there. I'm willing to work through my "lunchtime" (like most teachers don't already do this, right?). I'm even able to put in longer hours during those critical periods like the start and end of school and testing week. But I cannot say I will do whatever it takes to get the job done.

I've had some experience interviewing teachers and I want them to say they're going to go above and beyond. I want them to say nothing stops them from achieving the goals they set for their students. I want them to have a "no excuses" attitude and commit to working tirelessly to increase student achievement. I sure as hell don't want them to ask about how long they get off at Christmas.

Sigh.

Charlie thinks I just need to lie. Say what I know should be said. Most people tell me employers already know what I'm willing to do and not do when they spot the sippy cup in my purse.

I know we'll figure it out. We always do, right?

On work

School begins in a week. It feels a bit odd to not be scouring Target for teacher supplies and gearing up for the next school year.

And odd as it seems, and as much as I love working and my job, I could not be happier knowing I will not be working this year.

I should also be perfectly honest about this year. This year off is completely, totally, all for me.

I know if we had to put Bug in "school" (fancy daycare) he'd do great. We'd pick a place staffed with those prepared to provide and plan for his physical, social, emotional, and cognitive development. In no way do I have any misconceptions about my being the only abled body to care for my child. I'm also pretty certain he'd end up being rather happy at school and enjoy his time there.

And we'd figure out the crazy morning routine and the even crazier span between arriving home and bedtime into which dinner, bath, and family time is to fit. He wouldn't even remember being dropped off at school in mismatched clothes (dressed by his daddy, and he'd forgive us when he saw the photographic evidence) or my being absent as he worked on his crawling form. He'd be fine. We'd be fine. I'll even go as far to say as we'd be a hell of a lot better than fine. We'd figure it out, and everyone would be happy.

But just so happens that we're able to make it work so that school isn't a necessity this year. And I am thankful for it. I cannot wait for each new day with this child. Really. It is that good. (Although I admit sometimes I can't wait for the day to end!)

He won't remember this year, but I certainly will.

Working

Back to school.

I have been filling in as a classroom teacher while the principal works to fill the vacancy. Being in that room feels very natural and makes me miss classroom teaching. It is exciting and got me thinking of ideas for lessons, projects, and team/community building. And that excitement is what reminded me I cannot be a classroom teacher right now. Teaching in a classroom consumes me, in order to do the job I want to do. So I need to let that go, and be thankful I have a teaching job that allows me to work with students, and still do this baby growing job I have.

Part time work is gearing up, and I am feeling much better about it, mostly because I have an amazing boss who is very supportive. She proposed restructuring my position to alleviate some stress and assured me she can handle any decision I need to make for my family. Whew.

Things are busy, which I am thankful for. I need distraction from the doctor appointment jitters.