On my mind

Today Lizzy put words to my condition. Monkey brain...too much chatter to focus on anything. And all that chatter is difficult to put into posts. A lot of that chatter revolves around issues of pregnancy, and that too is something I have a hard time talking about and an even harder time putting here for fear that I may find it difficult to read in a few weeks.

But, in an effort to organize the chatter and document our life, here's the conversation occurring right now....

• I haven't gained any weight. In fact, I've lost 2 pounds. Muscle turning to fat? Regardless, that shall change shortly as two gallons of ice cream have entered the house.

• There's a lump above my pubic bone. I can feel it when I stand, but not when I lie down. I was thinking it was my uterus, but after seeing the placenta developing in the anterior position, I've decided it's actually the placenta. There's really something in there.
  

• If Katie Holmes had an ultrasound machine at home, so should I. Charlie also should have Tom Cruise's pocketbook. After letting go of that, I decided I'd settle for buying a doppler and hearing the heartbeat each day. Now I'm thinking that idea should be let go of as well because the anterior placenta placement will most likely impede hearing the heartbeat for some time. If only I could accept that I will not know when the heartbeat will stop.

• Don't look at the toilets. Merry Maids will be here soon enough, and surely their price will be within budget.

• The futon, wing chair, bike stand, and wine rack need to go. A few posts on craigslist could bring a couple hundred dollars, but I don't feel like dealing with it.
  

• I'd gladly trade bleeding for puking. I understand a polyp will become easily irritated and bleed, but red bleeding after lying in bed for 8 hours makes me have a hard time thinking "it's just the polyp".

• Work. My part time job begins a week long training tomorrow, and then will be in full swing by early September, with full time job beginning on August 6th. I'm nervous about handling extra work and stress. The extra 10K would be nice, but not sure if it's worth it. But if it's not, do I even have it in me to say I am unable to perform the job responsibilities at the level which is expected?

• A walk in the park would do wonders for my mind and body. Maybe Wii fit would help.
  

• Will I really be nine months pregnant in a Mardi Gras costume?
  

Sunday

He just put away the TexMex Slam. Doesn't he look happy?

Saturday and Sunday's outings remain. Breakfast is a must. But the bakeries in our neighborhood are closed for summer vacation. No bagels. No brioche. Instead we ventured 2 miles down Magazine Street to a little diner for some pancakes, hash browns, bacon, and eggs. We like the change and don't mind the car ride. I especially like the plate of white carbs accented with butter I order...pancakes, hash brown, biscuit. We'll do it again next weekend, while waiting to return to our routine.

Still tickin'

Chantelle, the ultrasound technician, knew me from Dr. C's office, my former RE, so I didn't even try to hold back the tears when we entered the room. She knew good and well what she was in for when she saw my face.

And thankfully, she found that heartbeat right away. And that brought more tears, and Charlie's exclamation that the baby had a bootie just like me, as we watched it shimmy across the screen.


Charlie and I (with my St. Gerard the Patron Saint of Expectant Mothers Medal in my pocket, thank you, Liz) got to see the baby wiggling and the heart beating away. Heart rate looks good at 166 bpm.


The placenta seems to be growing in an anterior position and it is very, very close to the cervix, which she said could also be contributing to the bleeding. The crown rump measurement is 9 weeks 2 days, behind 4 days according to my LMP (last menstrual period). Two weeks ago we were 3 days behind from the LMP date. This hasn't got me in a tizzy (but you better believe I am hitting up google as soon as I finish here) but I admit that being on target or ahead would make me feel better.

August 1st I will go back to see my doctor. Finally. Until I'm able to speak with him I will continue to take it easy and leave things in the hands of dearest Charles, who admits he's a bit overwhelmed. Cue conversation on needing a housekeeper, dog walker, gardener.

Lovin'

• Vaseline on my nose
• 1000 square rolls of toilet paper
• Straciatella from Brocato's
• Lemon ice from Brocato's
• Anything from Brocato's
• Fresca in a tall glass with ice
• A doting husband
• Fever reducing Tylenol
  
• Sleeping from 8 to 8
• Breaths through the nasal passages
  

Today we'll have a picnic

I have slept all day.

I have a pounding headache.

I can't stop coughing.

I'm sick.

I think we're having Chinese food for supper. That cures all.

Dresses or shoes?

Today I spent some time at my favorite online department store. I created two shopping bags.

One shopping bag contains 16 dresses which will comfortably hide this round pooch that has developed. I imagine they'd adequately hold an expanding pooch in a few months as well.

The other bag contains 13 pairs of shoes, half of them black, some of them strappy, a few flats, some heels. 13 pairs of impractical, gorgeous shoes.

That way, I'll happily "proceed to checkout" one way or the other on Thursday afternoon, post ultrasound, regardless of the 1:15 appointment results.

My time slot

Today we had bagels and cream cheese at the bakery. After much back and forth in my mind for a few hours this morning, I finally gave myself permission to have a cup of coffee with breakfast (what I really wanted was an ice cold draft beer in a frozen schooner mug, even at 7:30 am) and it turned out I wasn't really interested in drinking it. Damn.

After running a few errands with Charlie, I was able to cash in on the promised yard work time slot.

He set up my spot....

Front and center for good viewing

...put on his $5 straw hat from Walgreens (lots of compliments from the cashier when he purchased it) and I gave him instructions. First was to tame the wisteria on the arbor trellises.

He followed instructions very well and really cut back the wisteria and flowering maple and a bit of the ginger. He went after the passion vine that was growing in the fig tree, sweet olive, and irises.

Attack of the passion vine

The cosmos got yanked as they'd had enough in the heat and he did a bit of weeding. He assures me he'll do a bit each day when he's out and about in the yard with the pooches. Somehow crab grass has made it's way into the beds.

See the bead of sweat on the tip of his nose???

Unfortunately, my time slot got cut short by one of those afternoon thunderstorms we have each day, but overall things are looking much better out there.

Hoping to be out there working with him soon, but in the mean time, I'll feel better looking out the kitchen window.

Long days

This evening we went down to the river to watch the sunset and hold hands.

It's going to be tough waiting for Thursday's ultrasound. I continue to have some spotting each day and the past few days have started and ended with red bleeding. It's difficult to just chalk it up to the polyp when activity has been so limited and I am on pelvic rest.

Don't feel much like posting here because my thoughts are the same each day. One can only write so much about doubts. I will say being pregnant this time is far more stressful than last....filled with more questions and fears and knowledge.

I'd very much like to have painted the bedrooms and bathroom in the weeks before returning to work. Just hoping this resting, stressing, thinking, waiting isn't all for naught.

Just doing nothing

Hanging out.

Relaxing.

Letting Charlie take care of me.

Reading.

Watching the tube.

Hence, I haven't anything to post about.

Really, I'm bored. I never realized what an active person I was and how much I need to be outside and to exercise until this past week.

Charlie committed to one afternoon of setting me up in my hat with an umbrella in chair in the garden while I barked out orders for him to get the garden under control. Well, I fell asleep on the couch and missed my time slot. Phewy. I will not miss it next weekend.

From the kitchen window I can see lots of monarchs, swallowtails, Gulf Fritillary, and dragonflies enjoying the yard and the overgrown passion vine. I also see the fig tree is loaded with ripe figs waiting to be picked. I haven't been out to check the status of herbs and imagine the tomatoes are providing a bounty for the creepy crawlers in the yard. And the ever so fertile mama dove has returned to tend to her third clutch of the season.


I hope Dr. M nixes such extreme "taking it easy" on the 24th if when the babe is found to be alive and kicking. Truly, I am thankful to have this time to rest before returning to work. I'm thankful to have reason to rest.

Oh, yeah. Him.

I haven't forgotten about my husband! I had an inquiry so...

Charlie's been having shoulder issues. And it's more that just the typical falling apart after you hit 30 type stuff.

He had some concerns that his rotator cuff repair ten years ago was coming undone, so he finally got in to see the orthopedist.

X-rays show all is intact, and lack of evidence for arthritis, so the doctor's going with a diagnosis of bursitis.

He's got a prescription for physical therapy. Hoping it keeps him in working order.

Still waiting

Today I admit I do feel better than yesterday, but please know this is not easy. Not like what I thought finally being pregnant would feel like. That first hurdle was so big that I thought it would be downhill from there...gushing excitement, constant smiles, and pure happiness. And maybe if we hadn't had a loss in 2005 it might be, but knowing what's possible, and feels almost probable for us, makes each and every day difficult.

Neither of us have expressed much excitement over the pregnancy....to others or to each other. It's kind of just understood between us that it may be best that we not talk too much about it, as much as we would like to enjoy it now and mourn it when and if we should lose it, it somehow seems better to carry on. It's even almost uncomfortable to talk about it with each other and friends and family.

In the room with Charlie, and Dr. SP, Nurse Mary, staring at the ultrasound on the screen, I was the only one who wasn't obviously relieved. I was relieved. I am relieved. It is just going to be a long time until this feels real. Maybe when we pass the point of development of our prior loss will help.

Yesterday I would have felt better if I could have left with some numbers...I am out of things to google! I needed more reassurance that my body is working and doing what she needs to do. I also wanted a definitive look at my placenta to make sure all is developing normally there. If I could have heard that lying on the couch all day is a straight ticket to the second trimester, that would have helped too.

It's all so ambiguous. Rest. Take it easy. It's probably the polyp. I know there's little to do to prevent miscarriage in the first trimester. I also know that any bleeding is considered a threatened miscarriage, and although experienced by several women, it's not normal and increases the chances for miscarriage.

Charlie relayed something our first RE told us concerning how much activity was acceptable during that 2 week wait between embryo transfer and the pregnancy test of of one of our IVF cycles..."I don't want you to think you could have done something more if this doesn't work out." Ok, Charlie. I'll rest, but a walk sure would help with the stress and pass the time I spend listening to my body.

Nurse Mary called today with a full fledged ultrasound appointment in 2 weeks. So now I wait again.

Thirty Four

Birthday celebrating went on last night as planned, with a firm talking to from Charlie during dinner, but that's a whole nother post.


Dinner was at Vizard's, right in our neighborhood. It's a tiny place with seating for about 30 people. We got there when they opened and it was filled with a wait by the time we were leaving.

No food pictures, but it was y-u-m-m-y.

The waiter commented on how much we ordered, but I had faith we could put it away...gumbo, green eggs and ham salad (have you ever seen a paneed fried egg?), Louisiana strawberry and fontina cheese salad, gnocchi with crawfish and shrimp, crabmeat Nelson (fried eggplant with loads of blue crabmeat and hollandaise sauce galore), and grilled redfish with crabmeat, herbs, and fresh corn. Oh, and pecan torte and strawberry shortcake for dessert.


How nice to have this just two blocks away. Charlie may be sneaking over there for a gin gimlet and a bowl of hollandaise.

Home in a flash to open those gifts. Charlie was very proud of himself and the "haul" he provided.


A new Sigg, LL Bean muck boots, a perfect new pillow, a new fleece, and a Flip video camera that I hope brings some blog posts to a whole new level! I can't stop thinking of the possibilities. Poor, poor, Charles...he's really in for it.

Thank you all for yesterday, and the day before, week before, year before. As alone as Charlie and I feel on this journey at times, I know we are hardly alone. I'll be making my way through my inbox and voicemails today, but know I appreciate each of you.

Happy Birthday, Erin

Baby's got a heartbeat.

That's about the only details I can give you, but really, it's enough.

Dr. M was out at an emergency surgery this afternoon so I got in to see Dr. SP. He's a sweet old guy, but knew little about using the new fangled ultrasound machine. Between he and the nurse they were able to confirm heartbeat, determine 7 weeks 3 days gestation (I figured it'd be about 7 weeks 6 days.), and print us a picture. I really couldn't see the heartbeat, but Charlie did, so I'm taking his word on it.

The physical exam revealed a polyp on the cervix that will have to come off in a month or so which is believed to be source of the bleeding. Regardless, continued pelvic rest and very limited activity.

The nurse is going to get me in to see Dr. M in the next week or two, so hopefully she'll call tomorrow with an appointment.

I've taken a breath.

Coutning down

Our appointment is in 6 hours. I've had continued "spotting" today which is upsetting but not nearly as frightening as the red bleeding on Saturday and Sunday. I do think this spotting is the beginning of the end.

I had some pretty bad cramping last night which continues as I type in my lower back and abdomen.

I've cried quite a bit and am trying to resolve myself to the idea of seeing an embryo without a heartbeat this afternoon, but that complete feeling of closure won't happen until the moment Dr. M tells me he's sorry.

Today is my birthday. Charlie's been busy shopping and wrapping. The dining room table is piled with wrapped packages and birthday text messages have been popping up on my phone. I feel badly that his efforts to create a special day may not be fully enjoyed. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Me

• Pelvic rest
• Taking it easy
• More bleeding today but less than yesterday
• Appointment on Wednesday
• Thinking happy thoughts
• Upset that my yard looks a mess and I haven't the desire or ability to get out in the garden to tend to things
  
• Finishing up laundry
• Paying bills
• Meal planning
  
• Tearing up here and there
  

Bleeding

It started at 1:20 this morning in the house with 10 sleeping people. I wanted to scream, instead I crumbled. I haven't been back to sleep.

I figured the waning symptoms and cramping back this week were indicative of the news to come but thought I could remain hopeful until Wednesday's appointment. Not holding out much hope now.

I wonder if I'll have to wait until the 9th to see my doctor. I wonder if it'll be all over and done with before then anyway.

Flying home today should be interesting.

Creature Cake: The Fish

Who knew Necco Wafers would make such fine scales? I've made a few creature cakes for Charlie, but today we celebrated the summer birthdays: Greer, Erin, Janet, and Charlie.

Passing of the torch

Charlie's had a few fish cleaning lessons here and there, but tonight he insisted his mom is relieved of the duty. He's the new fish cleaner.