On Allowance

I'm pretty much a "yes" mom.  I say yes whenever I can and probably too often.  When we walk by the sweet shop and the kids ask for ice cream?  I usually say "yes."  When they ask for sprinkles on the ice cream?  I say "yes."

A recent shopping trip to spend birthday money

When they ask to ride a carousel or go ice skating we do it it.  They are able to try sports and activities they express interest in.  And I am so thankful for that, but also discouraged when I have to explain to Freddie that spending a week at Zoo Camp was indeed a treat.  Part of me wants him to never feel as though some experiences are out of reach, but another part of me needs for him to understand that he is one lucky kid.  I am so thankful we are able to do so much together and they are able to try, do, and see so much.  But we do a lot.  They get a lot.

Writing down the price of a ball he wants

Now don't get me wrong, I say "no" an awful lot as well.  I mean they ask and ask and ask.  Hans' tactics are a little more calculating than just simply asking because he anticipates the no.  He usually tells me he "needs" something when we enter the supermarket.  A recent "no" was when Freddie was begging for his very own metro card.  He wants to swipe to enter the subway.  Um, no.  No way.  There is no way I am paying $2.75 for Freddie to swipe until I have to just so he can feel independent.  I'll gladly give him some cash to pay for his own popcorn a the movies as an exercise in independence.  Ordering popcorn and paying and the whole exchange is worth the expense but $2.75 for him to swipe?  Nope, not doing it.

The exchange that followed the huff of not being able to have his own metro card was an explanation of the expense.  I asked if he'd like $2.75 to swipe or $2.75 for an ice cream at the sweet shop.  It seemed to register, although he still really wanted that metro card.

That conversation coupled with Freddie's recent interest in earning allowance made me realize it was time for him to have some spending money to learn about money.  Charlie and I have been talking about allowance for a while, trying to decide how to handle it.  I will not pay my children to complete expected tasks such as maintaining a clean room, helping with the dishes, or putting away groceries.  They do not have a choice in whether these tasks get completed and last thing I wanted was to open up a discussion about not wanting money so choosing not to complete a responsibility.

I will also never pay my children for doing homework, reading books, or earning good grades.  Hard work and best effort are always expected, and sometimes that will only yield a grade of C and the sense of satisfaction should come from knowing best effort was given, not that an A or $20 was earned.

So we decided for now, until they have opportunities to earn money by working in other capacities, we are giving each boy $2 per week.  And I say "no" a whole lot more.  Well, it's not so much a "no" but "sure, if that's how you'd like to spend your allowance."  Its hard.  But Freddie is now paying attention to what things cost.  He's noted the cost of some toys he'd really like, and is considering saving up, although for the most part he likes to spend when he can.

I think he'll eventually figure out delayed gratification.  I think he'll take better care of things he's earned on his own.  Time will tell.

They're already learning some lessons though.  At Duane Reade, Freddie asks for a pack of gum.  "Use your allowance," I reply.  And then we walk to the market and he again has a request.  This time for some cran-apple juice that he has never seen, something I probably would have agreed to in the past but I mustered up a "use your allowance."  Freddie responded with, "I don't think I want allowance anymore."

Raising Boys

Male chauvinist in the making?

 
Since you were wondering, I did not wipe his heinie, nor have I shown him girls are capable of riding bikes.  Charlie said he was surprised I didn't march right back down to school, dragging Freddie by his ear to find out who had peppered my baby's mind with such foolishness.  I can't say I wasn't tempted.  But I did plainly tell him everything he said was just silly, and girls can do anything boys can do. 

We don't live in a bubble.  Actually very far from it in New York City.  Thankfully.  With diversity comes assholes those with differing views about women, politics, prayer, football, bacon.  I try to model tolerance of vegetarians, really I do. 

Freddie learns all sorts of interesting tidbits from his peers, especially those with older siblings.  The mere mention of poopoo sends him into hysterics lately and he's been making special trips to the bathroom to use "potty words" since that is the only place I'll allow them.

In retaliation, we have been practicing hard core football talk around here...The Dirty Birds are going down on Sunday!  Who Dat!  I can only imagine <hope> what Freddie is passing on to his preschool buds.

In all fairness, Freddie is picking up on differences without any help from his peers.  Why don't girls have penises?  Why is Peyton all brown?  Why is that guy in a wheelchair?  So it makes sense he's making observations and coming to conclusions about boys and girls on his own.  (Although I assure you I have the skills to wipe my own heinie, so that was not based on direct observation.)  And we run what appears to be fairly patriarchal style home; Charlie goes to work, makes the trips to Home Depot, talks science and I cook supper, change diapers, and eat bonbons.  As he gets older he'll learn the complexities of marriage, running a household, compromise, and discover who is really in charge around here.

I try to answer all questions very simply.  I also talk about how back in the day Mommy was a teacher and she knows a whole lot of things.  Now that I know such gender differences are on his radar I'll probably point out the female construction workers, chic bassists, and mommy scientists as well as the male ballet dancers, stay at home dads, and dudes wearing pink.  And for as traditional as our household may appear to run, Freddie is also a witness to Charlie taking a good smackdown in Scrabble from Mama on a regular basis.

Father's Day

Their self portrait on the playground this morning

A typical scene from our house this morning:  Charlie is busily trying to get done with a project I've asked about for a while...hooks in the hall to hang scooters and the umbrella stroller.  And he's got a helper.  This 20 minute project took well over an hour with his helper, not including the break for a dance party in the living room.  With the stroller and scooter hanging there were high fives, hugs, and compliments to the best helper ever. 

Fatherhood has changed Charlie, made him softer and more patient.  The man gushes with love and pride.  He takes his job very seriously, so seriously in fact that he even comes to me, whom he's labeled the CEO of Childhood Growth and Development, for advice and suggestions on parenting. 

It makes my heart swell to hear Freddie say, "I love you, Mama.  And Tummy Brother.  And Dada my guy, my best guy, whole world."  

Thank you, Charlie, for loving us so.  We couldn't ask for anything more. 

Potty Note: Mommy Fail

After books, before being tucked in, Freddie makes a trip to the potty. Yesterday upon arrival in the bathroom he found a puddle to splash in courtesy of a leaking toilet. Frustrated, I hurried him along, and just filed away my thought that he didn't really adequately pee since he was frustrated by my frustration.

Fast forward 30 minutes and I finally give in to his calling me from his room. I discover undies off and a puddle of pee in the bed, not completely on the absorbent pad. Ugh. Apologies and tears from him. Apologies from Mommy. Change sheets. Potty trip. Kisses. Blankets. Hugs.

Nap ensues. And off I go to the laundry room downstairs. (Please, no comments on my leaving him for a minute while he sleeps. I did it more often when he was in the crib but very, very rarely do it now that he is in the bed.)

The timer goes off indicating my sheets await. I check on Freddie to make sure he's still in what I think is a deep sleep. He's pretty restless for the last 30 or so minutes of sleep and his waking time is usually pretty predictable. Convinced he's not getting up any time soon, off I go and return in what I estimate to be 3 minutes.

Placing the key in the door I can hear his frantic calls "Mommy! Potty! Mommy! Potty!" Sigh.

Scene was the same as pre-nap. Damn it. More sheets and a sobbing boy as punishment for Mommy.

No, I'm not leaving ever again at nap, even for a minute.

Yes, there's a potty in his room at nap right now. We've had a long talk about getting out of bed to potty and getting back into bed and calling Mommy if he needs anything else.

He's been getting out of bed to "flex" his independence but never for very long and he never leaves his room. He usually does something like quickly tidy his books or closes his closet doors. I have never said anything to him about it as I watch through the cracked door and resist the urge to open that door and shake my finger telling him to get back in bed this very second. But now he's got the all clear to climb out of bed as needed, to potty of course, but where will this go?  I'm smiling today thinking about it, and hoping I can remain in good humor when he tests the waters with this.

Update:  There was no nap to be had today.  Freddie got out of bed and sat on the potty 5 times.  He called me in for the first two events and then went solo on the last three but called me in to help him put on his underwear.  I am not sure what my next steps will be, but obviously I need this "potty in the room, you've been given permission to get out of bed" novelty to wear off quickly.  I'm not sure if I should encourage the entire potty event to be without me, i.e. I will empty the potty after nap and he can sleep without undies, because I think my going into the room provides some attention/stimulation standing in the way of nap.  I imagine I'll just hold off for a bit and see what happens first.

B.F.F.s

Freddie and I are two peas in a pod.  Up until this weekend, 95% of the time I got the first kiss of the day and the last at night and a whole lot of together time in between.

Bundled and waiting for the train

I am Freddie's bud, his number 1 playmate.  We are never, ever apart.  Sure we are out and about and go to the playground and he does his own thing, but Mama is never far away or out of sight.  When Charlie's not working we do things as a trio.  I really like to do things as a family, and so, again, Mama's never very far away even when Daddy's on the scene.

And babysitters just aren't happening in our house.  Besides the cost being a deterrent, Charlie and I get plenty of together time talking, watching movies, and being together after Freddie's 7pm bedtime, so as lovely as a play or fancy dinner sound, I don't feel the need to get away from Freddie to connect with Charlie.

All that Mama time means he's definitely attached to me and not comfortable with the idea of my not being around.  That's not great for him, and it can make things complicated when and if I can't be there.  After talking about it more and more over the last few weeks we acknowledged it would be best for Freddie to learn that others can care for him and Mama is always going to come back.  And with Part Deux on the way, it was eventually going to be necessary for Freddie to be away from Mama a bit.  Time and space are going to change and I want do all we can to give him the tools to cope with this. 

We decided this weekend would begin a conscious effort to have Freddie spend more time with just Charlie, running errands, doing bedtime and nap routine, and just generally being away from Mama more and more.  I have been listening to bedtime stories behind my locked bedroom door over the monitor and disappointed to not be piled in bed with the two of them having my belly pat and cheek kissed as we listen to Charlie's sing songy reading of The Night Before Christmas.  

The calls for Mama are already fewer and he's adjusting. (He called for "Daddy" when waking from his nap.)  I knew he would, even as I worry about all the transitions he's already going through with potty training and sleeping in a bed.  He constantly reminds me that although these things are indeed difficult for him, it may be a little harder on Mama.

Copy Cat

The other day Bug grabbed the Motrin and dropper off of his nightstand, plopped down on his bottom, and proceeded to tap the lid of the bottle with the dropper and then placed the dropper into his mouth as though he were giving himself a dose!

I've reminded Charlie to watch his mouth, and his Ps and Qs. This boy's certainly a mirror of us, and it's only the beginning.


Other imitations:

• Talking on the phone and throwing in a hardy fake chuckle. Really? Is that what I sound like?
  
• Brushing hair
• Putting on our shoes
• Using full size utensils to "eat" (this recently resulted in some rice actually getting in his mouth which he quickly removed)

Sometimes I turn the tables on him and imitate his movements, especially his dance moves. He thinks this is hysterical and he usually ends up in a fit of laughter. Good times.


Other than the art of imitation I am so amazed that he is remembering things and developing a context for objects. Love watching this.

Now that's what I'm talkin' about

Freddie's slumber last night:

• Sleep: 6.30 pm-11.30pm
• Nurse, both sides, back to sleep
• Sleep: 11.50pm-5.30am
• Nurse, both sides, back to sleep
• Sleep: 5.50am-8.15am

Whoot! That's 14 hours of sleep! Amazing. He's been doing a similar schedule after working things out post weekend trip to OKC.

I've read 4 books on sleep, and am now feeling better about sleep habits on Bordeaux.

The Baby Sleep Book by William Sears: This one stinks. A little too wishy washy for my taste. I don't even know how to describe it beyond that. I loved Dr. Sears' Pregnancy Book and the Baby Book is good too but this one was not very helpful. I also must say though that the content it is not completely unexpected given Dr. Sears's philosophies on parenting and child rearing.

Babywise by Gary Ezzo: Somewhat helpful in that it was my first read of babies living in cycles of 3-4 hours with 1/2 to 1/3 of that time being spent asleep. It is the polar opposite of Dr. Sears' book. It recommends schedules over cues and signals from your baby and recommends letting babies cry it out. It also firmly opposes cosleeping. I am not a cosleeping type parent but the rigidity of it all was a turnoff.

Ferber's Solve your Child's Sleep Problems: This is the method that EVERYONE recommends and says they've employed with success but NO ONE has been able to give me details about it. I want to know exactly how others have implemented Ferber techniques with their babies, how long they let babies cry, how they soothed, and how long babies took to adapt. We tossed around the idea of doing this but I wanted to hear the nitty gritty detail of doing it to figure out exactly how we were going to do it.

Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Mark Weissbluth: This has been the most helpful book. You know why? Because it affirms what is already happening in our house. Ha! How do you like that?!?

Before I get into that, the book appealed to me from the start because I have firm beliefs, backed by current medical research, that adequate sleep has an enormous impact on overall health and happiness and the book echoed that sentiment, discussing the importance of adequate sleep for a baby. I certainly think the amount of sleep people (and babies) need varies, although often underestimated, but overall I don't think enough importance is given to adequate sleep.

So on to how it discussed out current sleep situation. Most of what I read recommended a good 13-15 hours of sleep for a baby Freddie's age. The schedule set forth in this book:

1. Wake at 6am, but many babies will return to sleep after a bottle or nursing or just a bit of wake time. Freddie is right there, and he can be lulled back to sleep if I focus.
2. Morning nap lasting at least an hour, preferably 2. Now we are not hitting that 2 our nap length but he does get an hour.
3. Afternoon nap lasting an hour, preferably 2. Again, not 2 hours, but napping.
4. Sometimes babies like a late afternoon nap. Freddie will sneak in a little nap around 4.00pm sometimes.
5. Early bedtime, meaning 6pm. Freddie has no problem going to bed at 6.30 pm.
6. Breastfed babies wake once or twice a night because they are hungry and should be fed, (Yes! I knew it.) but they should return to sleep without issue. Freddie does just this.

I was really, really happy to read that whole "feed the hungry baby" part. I had trouble with the thought of not feeding a hungry Bug. The book recommends a schedule but it has more fluidity than what Babywise outlined.

BUT, I must say that if your baby is not following the sleep patterns recommended in the book, it recommends some sleep training, and the recommended methods of sleep training were far more hardcore than the Ferber methods, i.e. letting baby cry for at least an hour and even if your baby cries enough to make himself vomit, wait until he has gone to sleep before cleaning him up.

Freddie sometimes gets into a pattern of waking every 2 hours and so I imagine during these times some "training" would be appropriate, but I am not so sure I'd be carrying out the methods recommended here. It is those times actually that I find the most frustrating because I thrive on predictability. No comments from the peanut gallery needed on that last statement.

The book also discusses bed time routines, something we currently have, but are looking to expand to help Freddie sleep better when we travel. (This is an appropriate place for the peanut gallery to weight in!)

I suppose the most comforting thing is just knowing that I am not necessarily doing something that is going to forever ruin Freddie. I don't want to feel like I am doing something to contribute to or prolong bad habits.

Next up: The Secrets of the Baby Whisperer, by Tracy Hogg.

And by the way, we are also in the midst of reading parenting books too. The current selection is Love and Logic by Jim Fay. Any recommendations here would be appreciated as well.

Mothering Advice

"Coming to a decision and then committing to it was always far harder than the actual execution of the decision. Always."

This was said to me by a friend after talking with her about our potentially weaning Freddie at night. (Yep, potentially. Haven't done it yet and don't feel totally on board to move forward with it just yet.) It took her two years to do it with her boy.

Anyway, this friend offered the advice when sharing her little "secret." Her son was still nursing at night until he was two. She finally decided and committed to "no more boo," and as sad and pitiful as he looked when asking for it each night, it was no where near as difficult and traumatic for either of them as she had thought. So from the boob to the bottle he went at two. And then she quickly tackled moving from bottle to cup at two years old; her 2 year old still on the bottle was yet another mommy "secret." (Maybe this mommy thing would be easier if we didn't keep secrets from each other, but I'll save that for later.)

I keep telling myself that he'll sleep eventually and to just let this run its course, but perhaps it won't. Not that I think he'll still be asking for "boo" at 13, but I'm really interested in sleeping through the night long before then, and long before he is two as well. I think the lack of sleep is the absolute hardest thing for me to handle. Having said that you'd think I'd be on with the go ahead from the pediatrician to withhold night time feedings because he is big enough and old enough to do without.

From what I read and hear from those who've done it, or say they've done it (do they have secrets they aren't telling me???), it is completely doable, takes a few nights of little to no sleep and withstanding sobbing, and the babe will not suffer physically or emotionally. And I believe it.

Nevertheless, we are still tossing around how to approach this night weening. Do we offer a bottle or completely go without feeding? Is there another way to increase his daytime calories? Do we knock out both night time feedings at once or do we attempt one and then the other? Is it reasonable to expect him to do without both nighttime feedings? Who should do the comforting without the feeding, The Mama or The Daddy?

It's coming. It's going to happen sooner or later. More likely sooner than later. Why is it so hard to put the decision into action?

All grown up

Yesterday, in the Chicago airport.

Last night Bug slept in his crib. For the very first time. My boy's all grown up.

He's really too big for the cosleeper and he'd really be more comfortable in a bigger space. Maybe he'd get better sleep if he wasn't in our room. Maybe I'd get better sleep if he wasn't in our room. Maybe it'd be easier for Charlie to take some of the night shift if he wasn't in our room. Maybe it'd be easier for me to let Charlie take the night shift if he wasn't in our room. All makes sense, but in the end, no one slept well last night.

We agreed upon a plan beforehand so we weren't making judgements in the heat of the moment, with that moment being in a sleep deprived delirium in the dark:

1. Charlie puts him down after his last nursing.
2. We'd sleep with the monitor on (just in case I couldn't hear him 2 rooms away).
   
3. Charlie attempts to console him and is to return him to the crib once he is calmed.
4. Repeat for 30 minutes.
5. If no success call in the big guns: the boob.

Of the 3 times he woke, the plan worked like a charm once, with him being soothed with some Daddy cuddles. The other two times we didn't make it to step 4. We had to go from 3 to 5 because he was inconsolable.

I am really thinking he's waking because he is hungry and not just because he needs soothing. I know it's anyone's guess but he wakes up every 3-4 hours like clockwork no matter what time he goes down, nurses vigorously on both sides, and then goes right back to sleep. He also isn't nursing well during the day, finding too much else to do other than eat. He's highly distractible and would far prefer to giggle at me, gaze around the room, or examine my freckles than nurse during the daytime hours.

I was happy to see his little grin this morning when Charlie plopped him in our bed at 6:45. He was no worse for the wear. Funny thing is that the hours that he was sleeping I was tossing and turning and look over at the new view from my side of the bed with the cosleeper gone. The moonlight still shone in the window above the bed, but I missed examining his long curled lashes.

I want him to sleep in his crib, but I want him to sleep next to me too. How is that?