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| Yes, I've been crying. |
Looking at 40 weeks last go round I'd say it's just about the same size. My weight gain is about the same, +26, down a pound from last week. I figured since this is likely to be the last ever week this belly exists, I needed to document. There will not be a 40 week installment.
I am having a c-section on Thursday. I've let go of all thoughts on having a vaginal delivery. I wanted this baby to come when he's ready. Charlie and I talked about how clinical delivering Freddie became, and how quickly he was swept off and kept in a warm box behind a glass with his Dada on the other side. I longed for a quick hospital stay and an easy recovery. Well, this week I don't care about any of that. I want my baby, I want my body, and I want my life back, and if a section is going to do it, so be it. Judge away people, but don't tell me about it.
This pregnancy feels like it's been twice as long as with Freddie. I've been thinking that at 39 weeks with Freddie I was still working, putting in five-six miles each day at the park, and at 40+ weeks I stuffed myself into a tutu and flitted around the city half nekkid. Here I am at 39 weeks and I haven't exercised in weeks. I use Freddie's stool to plop my behind on to fetch things from the bottom cabinet because I can't bend over. Taking a shower winds me. My knees ache, my hands hurt, and I look like hell.
I'm still sick and beginning to become a little concerned about it. I rebounded some midweek, but today's been pretty bad with my fever back on the rise. I may call Dr. H tomorrow and ask for a z-pack although I'm not convinced it would help, but at this point I just want something to make me feel better.
There's a list of cleaning and organizing and prepping sitting on the counter and it will never get done. The most important item not yet scratched off is "spend time as a family, preferably away from the home." Sadly, that's not happening either and I'm depressed about it. I do not feel up to doing anything. I'm not giving Freddie the attention I want him to have before I am gone for several days only to return with the force that's going to rock his world. I didn't make a cake for Father's Day. There were no cards or gifts. Charlie's birthday is Tuesday and it will most likely be a repeat of today, and that just doesn't feel good.
Freddie is changing before my eyes and I'm unable to document it. I'm not taking pictures. I'm not blogging. I'm not remembering how he was yesterday or last week. Go ahead and say it...it's the beginning of a new era in Mommyhood. The "I can't keep up" and "There's not enough of me to do everything" phase has begun. Damn it.
My level of homesickness and desire for familiarity has been turned way up. I want to deliver PD where I delivered Freddie, the hospital I passed almost daily, where I was a patient for 20 years. I'm sure we're getting adequate care here, and I've done multiple google searches on Dr. H, and can't find any pending malpractice suits or horrifying stories about him in chat rooms. Surely the guy knows what he's doing but I think I've seen him 12 times maybe, if even that?
Side note: I suppose it's worth mentioning I've been having dreams in which my old ob-gyn, Dr. M, has been making appearances wearing only a sarong. I pass him on the street, he's sitting at the table next to us, he's talking on the phone...in only a sarong. What's that all about?!? The guy's bald and middle aged but he seems totally comfortable in that sarong. I'm filing these dreams under "homesick" and "longs for familiarity" although not sure what the sarong has to do with either of those because it ain't familiar.
I want a shrimp poboy in the hospital. I want my family to visit. I want to come home to our house, our dogs, and have our neighbors craning their necks over the fence to see him. I hope Tummy Brother forgives me for the State of New York birth certificate.
Also weighing heavy on my mind is my complete ambivalence about having a second child right now. Please don't misunderstand; Tummy Brother is very much wanted. We want to grow our family and I'm sure he's just the guy to do that. But I want my life back. I want to feel normal. I want enjoy my time with Freddie. I want to do fun things on the weekends. I'm not reflecting on this body carrying its last baby, or trying to enjoy those last few kicks from within. I am ready to carry on.
And that, folks, is a ride on the crazy train. It's been a while, hasn't it? Stay tuned. Something tells me this is only the beginning.
11 comments:
You can do it Erin - just 3 more days and 4 more nights and then you will have your baby. Hang in there, you are in the last 100 meters of a marathon. You will feel so much better in just a few days; well you'll be sore, but hey you'll have PD and the start of getting your body back. Don't worry about anything, just breathe and sleep and dream about how wonderful it will be to meet your new little guy. Hugs my friend. I wish I was there with you to help you out.
Pregnancy is hard! Babies are hard! You guys will do great! And there is never enough time to do what you want, you are correct in trying to get used to it now. But it is not a bad thing, it is a wonderful thing to be too busy with your growing family. Life will get better! Good Luck my friend!!!!!!!!!!
Second pregnancies are so much harder when taking care of a toddler, too. It gets better. After brother is here you'll forget all about this and will be more upset about not getting to spend quality time with Freddie (alone) b/c the baby is attached to you 24/7. But, that too, will pass. (I remember Eva asking if we could put Emily back into her crib.)
I was so grateful Emily came 3 weeks early. I was miserable. I don't know what I would have done if she went the full 40.
Keep your head up, kleenex close by, and know it's almost over. Just think, you can have a margarita at the end of the week (unless you're breasfeeding)!
All aboard!!!! Your horomones are flailing! You will be just fine! I just don't know about that sarong dream, though!
See, we have a consensus! It's going to be FINE!
I LOVE YOU! I hope that doesn't sound hokey, but you need to know that you are loved. We want you here at home, as much as you want to be here. You are SO brave to share your hopes and dreams with us through your blog. You are in my prayers!
Hang in there honey its almost done! A few more days and you will be holding that sweet new baby and you'll forget all about this. Wishing you a speedy recovery so you can get back to your normal active self and come home to visit again so we can all meet tummy brother!Love ya and miss ya!
Love you and will be so glad when you feel better. Your guardian angel has to be working overtime with you.
I can totally relate to where you are right now. I think you probably remember my insanity last September? I was a big whining mess!!
Things are going to be wild after Tummy Brother arrives too, make no mistake, but like another one of your friends said, it will be a great kind of busy- with your family. Just a couple more days until you get your body back and you get to meet PD! Hooray!
I think every mother of two or more knows exactly what you're feeling right now. But once you're all home together as a new family it will be a great new love in your heart. My best memory after having Max was that I felt like my life was complete. Don't forget you're a pretty great mommy:)
I think every mother of two or more knows exactly what you're feeling right now. But once you're all home together as a new family it will be a great new love in your heart. My best memory after having Max was that I felt like my life was complete. Don't forget you're a pretty great mommy:)
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