Still waiting

Today I admit I do feel better than yesterday, but please know this is not easy. Not like what I thought finally being pregnant would feel like. That first hurdle was so big that I thought it would be downhill from there...gushing excitement, constant smiles, and pure happiness. And maybe if we hadn't had a loss in 2005 it might be, but knowing what's possible, and feels almost probable for us, makes each and every day difficult.

Neither of us have expressed much excitement over the pregnancy....to others or to each other. It's kind of just understood between us that it may be best that we not talk too much about it, as much as we would like to enjoy it now and mourn it when and if we should lose it, it somehow seems better to carry on. It's even almost uncomfortable to talk about it with each other and friends and family.

In the room with Charlie, and Dr. SP, Nurse Mary, staring at the ultrasound on the screen, I was the only one who wasn't obviously relieved. I was relieved. I am relieved. It is just going to be a long time until this feels real. Maybe when we pass the point of development of our prior loss will help.

Yesterday I would have felt better if I could have left with some numbers...I am out of things to google! I needed more reassurance that my body is working and doing what she needs to do. I also wanted a definitive look at my placenta to make sure all is developing normally there. If I could have heard that lying on the couch all day is a straight ticket to the second trimester, that would have helped too.

It's all so ambiguous. Rest. Take it easy. It's probably the polyp. I know there's little to do to prevent miscarriage in the first trimester. I also know that any bleeding is considered a threatened miscarriage, and although experienced by several women, it's not normal and increases the chances for miscarriage.

Charlie relayed something our first RE told us concerning how much activity was acceptable during that 2 week wait between embryo transfer and the pregnancy test of of one of our IVF cycles..."I don't want you to think you could have done something more if this doesn't work out." Ok, Charlie. I'll rest, but a walk sure would help with the stress and pass the time I spend listening to my body.

Nurse Mary called today with a full fledged ultrasound appointment in 2 weeks. So now I wait again.